Sometimes the best way to make it through something tough is with a little humor! You would probably be hard pressed to find a group of recovering people more willing to make fun of themselves than addicts and alcoholics. From jokes about using to making light of AA and rehab, we really don’t leave anything out.
Joking can be a great way to connect with other people if done wisely. Humor can let us acknowledge the absurdity of our behavior without wallowing in it. The comedian Mark Lundholm has said that humor allows us to put an appropriate distance between our selves and our old behavior.
Over the years we have heard a ton of 12 step humor and AA jokes at meetings and conferences. Sometime it is a one-liner or meme that goes viral but for whatever reason it sticks with us. We have compiled a list of our favorite drug jokes, alcohol jokes, and recovery jokes.
What does an alcoholic ghost drink? BOO’S
Redbull and vodka: so you can be wide awake for your mistakes.
“No officer, I’m sotally tober”
I am a wine enthusiast. The more I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.
What do you say when you’re going to drunk dial someone? Al-cohol you!
Alcohol is the perfect solvent: it dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
You don’t like him? Drink more!
What did the grape say when it was crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
If you try to send a drunk text and it ends up in your drafts, that’s the universe looking out for you.
It doesn’t matter if the glass is half full or half empty, there is clearly more room for alcohol!
Definition of a balanced diet: a beer in both hands.
I guess I’ll grin and beer it.
How does a man show he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer
I only drink beer on days that end in Y.
Dear alcohol, we had a deal that you would make me prettier, funnier, and a better dancer. I saw the video… we need to talk.
Hmm, this drink tastes like: I’m not going to work tomorrow.
Don’t drink and drive, it will spill everywhere.
Beer… Helping white guys dance since 1516.
Alcohol… because no good story started with someone eating a salad.
Save water, drink alcohol.
“A vodka please.”
“Sir this is McDonalds…”
“Ok, a McVodka please.”
I found the vodka, it was hiding in the orange juice.
I love water. Especially when it is frozen into cubes and surrounded by alcohol.
Jokes about Alcoholics and Addicts
What’s the difference between a heavy drinker and an alcoholic?
When a heavy drinker gets arrested for a DUI he says “ugh, I shouldn’t have had that last shot.”
When an alcoholic gets arrested for a DUI he says “ugh, I should have taken a different street home.”
You know it’s time to sober up when those fluttering things that keep scaring you are your hand.
A woman walks into a store and asks for half a pound of ham, one pound of turkey, and 5 oranges. The clerk responds by saying “ah, you must be the town drunk.” Taken aback the woman says “why would you think that?” The clerk looks at her and says, “because this is a hardware store.”
An alcoholic finds a bottle when rummaging around the trash. He pulls out the cork to take a drink and out pops a genie. The genie says “thank you for freeing me, I have been trapped for three thousand years! As a reward, I will grant you two wishes.” The man looks at the bottle and says “can you make me a bottle of liquor that never runs dry?”. The genie grants the wish. The man takes a swig from his bottle until he sees the bottom. Magically it refills with more booze. The genie says “quick, I have so much to catch up on. What is your second wish?” The alcoholic says, “can you make me a another bottle like this one?”
What’s the difference between an alcoholic and an addict? An alcoholic will steal your wallet, but an addict will steal your wallet and help you look for it.
How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. He holds it up and the whole world revolves around him.
An alcoholic, a meth user, and a junkie are all in a car.
When a coke addict sneezes you don’t say bless you. You say, “there goes 20 bucks!”
Someone at a party notices that a woman doesn’t have a drink. They turn to her and say would you like a drink? She says “no, I’m allergic. I break out in handcuffs.”
What are the first five words that an alcoholic in a three piece tailored suit hears? Will the defendant please rise.
If drinking is interfering with your work, you’re probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you’re probably an alcoholic.
Alcoholics have three types of memory loss: short-term, long-term, and convenient.
Funny Rehab Jokes
An alcoholic was sent to rehab. When he came back his friend asked how it was. “Terrible!” He replied. “For weeks, I lived on nothing but food!”
Why did the duck go to rehab? Because he was a quack addict!
A student asks the teacher where he has been all year. The man replies by telling him he was in rehab. The says, “oh my mom had to go to rehab because she hurt her back. What did you hurt?” The man says “um… I hurt my nose!”
How do you know two newcomers are on their second date? You see a moving truck outside.
Why did the accountant do so well in AA? He was already a friend of bills.
Definition of the infamous 13th step (hitting on a newcomer): 1st step plus the 12th step – My life is unmanageable and I want to share it with you!
You know you’re in AA if:
Emails from your friends say HALT in the subject line.
Your idea of a smooth opening line is “I really like what you shared.”
You don’t know most of your friends last names.
An old man stood up in a meeting and said that he hadn’t found it necessary to take a drink in over 20 years. Another man stood up and said you old liar, I saw you last night and you were as drunk as skunk. The first old man said you’re right, I was drunk last night, but it wasn’t necessary!
I’m a recovering people pleaser. Is that ok?
The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.